Photo c/o Defamer via X17

The downside of having a black Jetta is that everyone has a black Jetta. This posed quite the dilemma as I waited for the valet to bring back my car after In Touch's VMA party at Bar Marmont last night. I waited at least a half hour, during which time partiers on the balcony above thought it'd be funny to shower us with beer—it did wonders for my hair, if not my top—when my car finally arrived, coming to a screeching halt and only narrowly avoiding a parked SUV. Was the valet drunk? But, then … WTF? The woman in my car didn't get out; rather she started rifling through her purse and talking on her phone.

I approached quizzically for fear of getting run over when the paparazzi made a run for my car to get a photo of 90210's Shenae Grimes who, for some reason, was now sitting in my passenger seat. I was so confused; I started to doubt I should be driving! That was my license plate, right? And my dry cleaning in the back seat? And my headset? And my anti-aging hand lotion that I don't need! Next thing I know, I am begging, begging, the girl to give me my car—now destined to become famous in next week’s celebrity news cycle. Her car, as it turned out, was just like mine, but you know, without plates. How do you confuse that?

All that was the cherry on top of an eventful evening that included:

• Lindsay Lohan arguing with Samantha Ronson in the DJ booth.

• Katy Perry not really talking to her boyfriend Travis McCoy from Gym Class Heroes, provoking people to wonder aloud if they were in a fight. (Seriously.)

• Audrina Partridge with Shwayze, who was also there with Skeet Skeet, one of MMX's favorite DJs (and bloggers).

• A cigar-smoking Kid Rock taking off his shirt for his burly bodyguard to hold. (Sick!)

• A stumbling Pauly Shore trying to keep up with the fierce, and fiercely svelte, Allison Melnick, who recently opened Apple.

• Christina Aguilera and Travis Barker watching "Bleeding Love" songstress Leona Lewis.

• The Madden brothers with the Hilton family (mom, dad, Paris, Nicky) before performing with Good Charlotte.

• Mischa Barton hanging out as far away as possible from ex-BF Brandon Davis.

• "Brothers & Sisters" star Dave Annable seemingly oblivious to the drooling girls around him.

• Shorties Seth Green and David Spade in the VIP lounge with Kevin Farley, Travis Barker, Joe Francis and bunch of starf-ckers that could have passed for the mothers of Pam Anderson and Carmen Electra.

• Promoter Chris Paul, giving the scoop on how he's out at Green Door and Cinespace and in at Bardot, the former Spider Club space that offically reopens in mid October some time in 2008.

• Promoter Pantera Sarah working the door with Barack Obama pin affixed to her dress, of course.

• The Burger King passing out apple "fries"—because one should never eat more than 35 calories worth of food when at a Hollywood party. (I guess it's telling that I knew the calorie count off the top of my head, huh?)

Click in for more photos from the party»

—Alexandra Le Tellier

I’m creeped out, but I love it.

ZZalgern0n, creator and writer of "The Secret World of Human Science," has just asked the head embalmer at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery, “If you could embalm one person in the entire world, who would it be?” The real-life mortician quips, “Well, John McCain, because he looks half-dead anyway.”

Of all the conversations to be privy to, a Q&A between a science geek and an undertaker is about as macabre as it gets. In oversize Where’s Waldo? glasses, ZZalgern0n—whose real name I have yet to discover, despite tenacious Googling—next broaches the topic of decapitation. It proves to be a night of extremely atypical theater. The stage is dressed with antique medical instruments and flanked by two lecterns: Ron Lynch (who also directs) assumes the role of erudite professor, while foil Dave Johnson makes lewd sexual gestures to keep the mood light. I am both cringing and crying with laughter.

This tumble of scientific trivia has been at the Steve Allen Theater for months, but we just heard it’s moving to the Comedy Central Stage for a free show October 7. Expect to leave with these topics rattling around in your brain: narcoleptic poodles, the genetic factors involved in loving armpit sweat, ticklish rats, why we like cute things, the sooty lungs of city dwellers, death and…wait. Hold on. Oh, yes—how we forget 80 percent of what we learn.

Nerdtastically yours,

- Alie Ward