Professor Ward's lesson of the day: When in doubt, remove your pants.

On Friday night, I rushed out of work and eagerly headed to the Upright Citizen's Brigade to catch back-to-back shows of the farcical musical opera "Freakdance: the Forbidden Dirty Boogaloo" (winner of my own personal Best Title Ever award) as well as a later show based around the video game Rock Band. I'm not usually into pointlessly simulated experiences, but beloved L.A. indie rockers Giant Drag have gone through some line up changes, and were staging a 4-minute reunion just for the show. Count me in.

Fake bands with names like "Emo Bortion" and the classic and simple "Shit" took the stage, playing along to disturbingly angular CGI rockers on a screen. Former Giant Drag drummer Micah Calabrese thumped at electronic drum sensors, keeping time with a Beastie Boys song, while frontwoman Annie Hardy strapped on a plastic guitar, smoked a cigarette and delivered some of the evening's best and most offensive humor. 

But after several teams' technical snaufs dragged on, a front-row audience member got clocked in the face with a miniature guitar, and one of the hosts declared the event as "from a technical standpoint, a debacle," the finest moment of the night came when one faux band, struggling through an accidental unplugged cord and an off-key rendition of "Detroit Rock City", sensed the audience's apathy. They looked at each other, and wordlessly all removed their pants. Problem: solution. Attention was restored.

So jot it in your diaries, chant it like a mantra: when in doubt, remove your pants. And don't say I never taught you nothin'.

Didactically yours, 

 


Miss Alie Ward

Comme des Garçons did it. So did H&M, Opening Ceremony, and Steven Alan. These days, it seems like every label I love is immigrating to L.A. in some sort of retail diaspora. There's no denying that the city is quickly becoming a major American fashion capital—some argue it could be on par with New York soon—which is why I'd like to make a plea to three stores that I love to open outposts in Los Angeles. California dreaming hasn't been this much fun in a really long time.         

Patricia Field
Many people forget that the "Sex and the City" costume designer had a successful career as a retailer before the hit HBO comedy made her a household name. The merchandise in her New York store ranges from House of Field clutch purses to vintage naval hats to rhinestone encrusted silver knuckles and is synonymous with all things Downtown hip.

Uniqlo
Offering sharply tailored garments made of rich fabrics in an array of colors at low prices—like their cashmere sweaters, which aren't more than $100—Uniqlo is like an upscale American Apparel. The Japanese company plans to, "gradually expand as we gain experience of the local market." Having been a U.S. presence on the east coast since 2005, I think we've waited long enough. 

Billionaire Boys Club and Ice Cream
Pharell Williams of The Neptunes is one half of this candy colored apparel line, which carries everything from tight jeans to vintage inspired tees to silver lamé sneakers. While I've found some items at local retailers like Urban Outfitters, there's nothing like purchasing fashion directly from the source.

—Marcos Luevanos