Britney Spears is like the rodent problem I had when I lived in Boston. No matter how thoroughly I cleaned the apartment or blocked the holes with steel wool, the mice would multiply and squeeze their nasty little bodies through any opening they could find. They’d come out while I was in the shower or crawl on my face when I was sleeping; once a dirty little thing even jumped out of my box of cereal. Disgusting.

I’m as equally repulsed and obsessed with the Britney phenomenon as I was with the mouse infestation that signified my time in Boston. (I can’t even tell you how fitting I think it is that she got her start on the “Mickey Mouse Club.”) She can go to rehab, slim down, wear underwear and put in hair extensions, and she’s still a mess. For one thing, the girl goes clubbing despite multiple stints in rehab. For another, she wears her clothes backwards and barfs all over herself.

But what really perplexes me is the team of supporters that not only defends her, but that act like her too. For example, the girls who duked it out in Les Deux’s parking lot on Sunday night, after one chick called Britney a whore and told her to go home to her babies. Typical Britney behavior ensued: hair extensions were torn out, unsightly body parts exposed. The best part: Britney wasn’t even there to partake in the drama ‘cause she’d already driven off.

It’s like Britney’s is the queen kahuna and spawning off little baby rodents, all of whom have matching hair extensions and share the need to show off their naked body parts.

Holy mother of God. Linkin Park is kicking off its tour tonight at Ritual. Yep, you read that right! They’re taking over Ritual, home to every celebrity and A-lister in Hollywood, for an intimate show that will benefit Music for Relief. Naturally, the event is invitation-only, with tabloid magnets Adrian Grenier, Britney Spears and Rachel Bilson on the list. There’s no way anyone will be able to crash the party, but you can certainly go and listen from the parking lot, where I’m sure the paparazzi will be hanging out. (I guess this event will take the thunder out of Les Deux’s anniversary party.)